Who am I?

Hello, my name is Autumn.

I'm 23 yrs old.

I'm a daughter,sister,wife and mother.

I'm a friend.

I'm a church goer.

I'm a lover of music.

I'm also impatient and rude.

I'm really hard on myself.

I'm extremely selfish.

I'm judgmental.

I crave man's approval and praise.

I'm not a super model or even remotely close,

but I wish I were.

I'm dissatisfied with how I look, how I feel, my accomplishments (or the lack thereof ),

I'm always comparing myself to the next girl, mother and wife.

I'm a pessimist.

I'm a doubter.

I'm a screw up.

BUT,

I have been redeemed.

I have been delivered.

I have been saved.

I have been restored.

I have been forgiven.

I have been loved.

I have been set apart.

I am chosen.

I am spoken for.

I'm a Christ follower.

I'm a child of the Light.

I'm a daughter of the Most High King, Jesus.....

and I'm in love with Him.

I started this blog by being honest about how I think about myself most of the time. I spend most of my day drawing my self-worth from my accomplishments and success, or from my failures. I let the world define who I am. I let magazines and music and TV shows tell me if I'm complete or not. If I'm happy or not. I compare myself to friends and family who appear to have it all together and just have the greatest life, and then I tell myself, I just need more of what they have and I'll be more satisfied. I tell myself if I could just lose these ten pounds and if my husband and I could just learn to communicate better than I'd be happier.

Those are lies.

My whole life I never really could find my niche. I was home-schooled. I was a Christian ( but I didn't even really understand what that meant. ) I was a short, overweight white girl. I couldn't and still can't play any instruments or do anything spectacular. I wasn't really smart or driven. I hated sports. All I really wanted was to be like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and marry Justin Timberlake. I was absolutely convinced that all my unhappiness was due to the fact that I wasn't good at anything, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't a good enough Christian and didn't have a boyfriend.

I still believe this sometimes.

I read every single book on being single and Christian dating. I tried multiple diets and even tried to starve myself ( which lasted all of like an hr. ) I jumped into the first guys arms that told me I was pretty and wanted to hold my hand. Later on down the road I even went to Bible College with the intent of becoming a better Christian and hoping to find a way to make God not mad at me. I also was hoping to find my purpose, you know, like be a missionary or find my husband and start a family. At least If I could just be a good Christian then I'd be good at one thing!

It wasn't until this last year that God started to reveal the lies that had taken root in my heart.

The first lie was that I could ever be good enough.

Jesus showed me the truth that I could never obey enough or do enough to make up for my sin. ( "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 )  I was wretched and lost and only by Jesus Christ's blood am I "good".( " I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Phil. 3:9 ) There is only one who is good. JESUS! Praise God for His sacrifice so that I can stop trying to do something I just can't! That's the beauty of the gospel! He came and did what we could not do!

* A little side note, you'll never be good enough for the world's standards either. There is always a new "pretty", "smart", "accomplished", and "successful" standard. Even when you think you've arrived, someone else has more than you, is better looking than you and did it better than you. So stop playing by their rules and trying to live up to their standards, it's like trying to get water from an empty well. *

The second lie was that any earthly thing could ever truly satisfy me. 

My heart was made for God. My soul was made to be filled with Christ. I hunger and thirst for God. But I try to quench my thirst with water that leaves my mouth dry. I try to fill  my heart with things and people but it keeps coming up empty. I try to find rest and peace in my looks, in my education, occupation, possessions,  and most of all, man's opinion of me. But there is only one who's opinion matters.  Only one who can satisfy. ( "For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. Psalm 107:9  "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11 "Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35 ) Do you see what these scriptures say?! He has filled our soul! Filled, as in nothing else can fit! "In HIS presence" -  NOT in Vanity Fair or Target or a bar or your boyfriend's bed or the gym or even church,  is there "fullness of joy". God said, "For my people have done two evil things: They have abandoned me--the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all! " Jeremiah 2:13 Case and point:  Stop eating junk food and feast on Jesus! He will satisfy! 

There are many other lies that the evil one throws my way throughout the day, constantly accusing me of all that I've done wrong and reminding me of who I was before I met Jesus. But, something the Lord is teaching me is that instead of shrinking in fear and shame whenever satan brings these things to mind, I should rejoice out loud at the saving work of Jesus Christ on the cross. I should repeat the Gospel over  and over out loud to myself. For this is TRUTH, and the TRUTH will set you free! ( "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1  "Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us." Romans 8:34 ) The One who did it all, the One who's reputation is spotless, sinless, blameless, and perfect, He is interceding for me! The One who's only opinion matters, He says I am precious and honored and loved in His sight! (Isaiah 43:4) 

So, if you are anything like me, trying to find your identity in the world, but coming up hopeless because it seems you can never cut it, RUN TO CHRIST. His opinion is the only one that matters and He is the only one who will tell you the truth, the truth that will set you free and open your eyes to who you really are.

 God Bless! 

This is REAL love....

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus. That vacuum includes, for example, a deep inner need to adore: to love and be devoted to someone we can admire totally, always and forever, without the slightest reservation - someone who will never change, who will never disappoint us or fail us.”

― Blaise Pascal, Pensées

I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone when I say that we all have a desire to love and be loved. And not just any kind of love....unconditional love. A love with conditions isn't really love...is it? I want someone who is going to love me no matter what. Someone who can look at me with all my faults and imperfections and still show me mercy and compassion. Someone who even when I am screaming "Get out of my life! There is someone else!" still comes running after me, pleading with me to stay. Someone who is willing to go to any means necessary to show me how much they love me. As much as my husband loves me, he can't love me like that. My mother is probably the only person who could get even close to that kind of love; for a mother's love is strong, but it would still come up short. Why? Why can't people give this kind of love? Because every single human being on this earth is imperfect. How can imperfect people give perfect love? They can't. "As for God, his way is perfect " (Psalm 18:30)  God can love me perfectly because He is perfect. He can love me the way my soul needs to be loved. His love can satisfy me completely, leaving me wanting nothing. Blaise Pascal hits the nail on the head again when he states, "Only the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob, the God of Christians, is a God of love, and of comfort, a God Who fills the soul and the heart of those whom He possesses, a God Who makes them conscious of their inward wretchedness, and His infinite mercy, Who unites Himself to their inmost soul, Who fills it with humility and joy, with confidence and love, Who renders them incapable of any other end than Himself. Jesus Christ is the end of all, and the center to which all tends."

We all think we know what love is....but do we really? We most certainly have our own definitions of what  we think love is. But in 1 John 4:8-9 it states "God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. "
The definition of "real" is : actually existing or happening : not imaginary: not fake, false, or artificial: important and deserving to be regarded or treated in a serious way :  of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things. So, God's love is happening right here, right now. God's love is not made up, it's not pretend, it's not fake. God's love is important and should be taken seriously. God's love is fixed on you, it was made permanent on the cross and it's incapable of being moved or changed by anything; your failures, your mistakes, the things you did wrong on purpose, your addictions, your good deeds, your church attendance, your doubts, your past, your present, your future. Paul confirms this in Romans 8:38-39 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Also, if you're like me, stop thinking that Christ is only going to love the future, better you. He loves you right now! His word says "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." ( Romans 5:8 ) Real love is personified in Jesus Christ. "God is love." (1 John 4:16 ) " For God SO LOVED the world, that He GAVE his only son." ( John 3:16 ) "...So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." ( Galatians 2:20 ) Jesus' love is reckless; it's different than anything else you've ever experienced and it's the only love that can truly satisfy you like you are longing for. If you're honest with yourself, you know that even the people you care about the most still disappoint you, hurt you, and come up short on offering you the kind of love and affection you desire and are expecting. And that's ok! They were never meant to be able to! Our relationships here on earth with our friends, family, and spouses are just a tiny glimpse of the measure of love that Christ has for us! His love knows no end. His love is not based on emotion, or whether or not you love Him back. His love  is unconditional and unselfish. He lavishes it on us even when we don't give him anything in return. Like, how crazy is that?! How many of you would just keep on loving and serving and caring and helping someone who doesn't even notice you most of the time or just flat out doesn't want anything to do with you?! The Bible talks about how anyone can love someone who loves them back, or be nice to someone who is nice to you  ( Matthew 5 ); but can you love someone who hates you or be nice to someone who is a jerk to you? God does. He loves you and He loves me.

I am on a journey to find out more about this true, real love. I'm on a journey to get to know Jesus better and to cultivate deep roots in His love for me. You see, the more I let His all consuming, unfailing love satisfy the deepest parts of my heart, the more it overflows out of me and onto everyone else around me. He teaches me and enables me to love people like He does. " No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." ( 1 John 4:12 ) When God's people, love people God's way, God can be seen in us!! I hope this encourages you to go study God's love more. It is so much bigger and way more complex than the "Jesus Loves You" bumper sticker you see everywhere. I know you've probably heard John 3:16 a million times, but please go read it again and really soak it in!

Paul prayed this prayer for the Ephesians and I am praying it for you tonight :
" When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (Ephesians 3:14-19 )

Watch this video below and then watch it again and again if you need to. If you can even get a taste of this REAL love, you'll be changed forever. ♥

Textbooks, Tears, & Hand Sanitizer

        "Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us."
 (Ecclesiastes 7:3)
Sometimes we don't realize we are desperate for God until it seems that we have nothing left to hold onto. Sometimes we think "My life is good! I'm doing great! I am so blessed!" We think that because everything in our physical world is fine that we don't need God. It is only when our whole world is falling apart that we cry out to God "Help me! NOW!" I asked God at the beginning of this year to do whatever He had to to make me realize that all I needed was Him....He did and it has been amazing.
  It has undoubtedly been too long since I last blogged about my life. It is incredible to read my last entry from January of this year. A few weeks after that post the Lord began to work in my heart and started refining me in ways I had never dreamed He would. While I was still at school my mother was put in the hospital for heart problems. At first, I was scared but I trusted the Lord and knew He had a reason and that He would take care of my mom. After a few weeks she was diagnosed with high blood pressure and an irregular heart beat. I thanked the Lord. A few weeks later my mother informed me that the doctor's had found cancer on my grandmother's lung. Later that week she went in for a lung biopsy and never woke up. The doctors couldn't explain why but she had a stroke while in a coma and her brain just started to deteriorate day after day. I thought to myself  "I know the Lord has a reason....but what?" My dad called me at school and told me I should come home because we didnt know how much longer she had. I'll never forget walking in that hospital room and seeing her there, hooked up to all those machines, and my mom........her face...it was this kind of hurt and brokeness that I knew I couldnt repair or make better. So much crying. I literally felt like I just would never stop crying. I remember trying to fall asleep and just hearing faint cries in the background, wondering when people would stop. I told the Lord "I can not do this. You have to make this all go away. You have to make them stop crying. You have to fix this!" That night in the hospital I read Isaiah 41:10&13 which says,
 "Fear not, for I am with you;


  be not dismayed, for I am your God;


 I will strengthen you, I will help you,


  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.


For I, the LORD your God,
  hold your right hand;
 it is I who say to you, “Fear not,


  I am the one who helps you.”


 I didn't know how He was going to do it, but I had no other option but to trust Him or fall apart. I started literally crying out to God, and it may sound strange but I felt so close to Him in those moments....closer than I've ever felt Him before. I just knew He was there."God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1)  Someone told me once that instead of praying that He would take the trial away, to pray that He would help you see what He was trying to teach you instead. Slowly He began to do wonders in my life and in my family's lives. He was teaching me the urgency of telling people about Christ. I kept remembering all those people in the hospital....so many of them in their final days. So many loved ones hurting and nothing to hold onto...nothing to keep them going. I was thinking, if I hurt that much for people I didn't even know, how much did His heart hurt?
    He was slowly healing each and every one of our hearts in different ways. Teaching us different things through my Nana's death. It took some of us longer than others, and I don't think that the death of a loved one is something you just get over and forget about, but God is good and He helps us get through the wilderness and over the mountains...........only sometimes to be faced with more.
   A month later, I experienced heartbreak, and the Lord was teaching me that I can not find true satisfaction and meaning in a man....or people for that matter. But, "The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18) I found myself telling the Lord " Alright, I've got nothing left in me. I am broken and all I want and all I need is You. Father, help me."  I had signed up to go on a Missions Trip to the Dominican Republic a cpl months earlier and had forgotten about it with all the ....well.... life. I hadn't sent out support letters and the deadline was coming up quick. I just simply prayed in my heart that if God wanted me to be on that trip that He would provide...and boy did He! It was the coolest feeling, this peace in my heart, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was God's will, He wanted me on that trip.
   The Academic school year was coming to an end and we all were gearing up for Summer Camp. I was scared to death to be a counselor! Every day I woke up that summer I didn't know how I was going to do it. But the Lord equipped me each day for the task at hand. "...For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." (Philippians 2:13) Summer camp brought me to a place I had never been before, put me in situations where I had no idea what to do but fall on my face and cry out to God, and I was so tired and spent that I had nothing to give of myself but only what He supplied me each day. It was awful but wonderful, frustrating yet peaceful, and altogether exactly how He wanted it. :)
   Before I knew it, I was in the slums of the Dominican Republic, witnessing to children and teens who kept saying that they would worry about their salvation when they got older; they just wanted to have fun right now. How familiar that sounded. Isn't that what everybody thinks? I was so sad when I left and I wanted to go back immediately but graduation was coming up in a matter of days. I tried to sort through all the emotions I was feeling but it was not happening that quick. The next thing I knew I was saying goodbye to so many dear friends, not knowing when or if I would ever see them again. And then to top it all off  I was trying to figure out where God wanted me next!
   God brought me home and gave me a job where I could minister to people who knew nothing of Christ's love and that was a refining process all in it's own. Going from somewhere where you are submersed in God's Word daily and surrounded by people who love God, to being plunged back into the world where people hate God and you have a job and you have to work at making time with the Lord. All in all, I've gone through a lot of stuff since I last wrote, but through all of that God revealed more and more about Himself to me, and that my friends is all my heart truly desires.....to know my Creator, my Father, my King, my Savior and to grow in His grace more and more each day. ♥

What Do You Want?

Wow... Its been a long time since I've written, I don't even know where to begin. Tonight I'm just going to focus on what God has been doing in my life the past few days. I literally feel as if  He has turned my life upside down. I realize that I have just been living in some fantasy world, trying to become my own idea of a good Christian woman. I have been so used to getting fed the Word of God and always living inside my comfort zone that I have just become what a friend of mine calls " fat & happy ".  I think that I am close to God and that i'm doing just fine in my walk with Him, when in all reality I am just a wretched sinner saved by God's grace. I am nothing without Him. I think as Christians we get into this mindset that nothing bad should ever happen to us, and that death and suffering should just pass us by. Why? THAT'S LIFE!!! That is reality! People are hurting and suffering and dying and going to hell! How can we walk around and talk about hair and cars and football?! Even when I thought I was being "spiritual" I was so far from it! I feel like God is just saying to me "Autumn, everything you thought this life was about.....its not. You're missing it! I am so much bigger than all of this.....you are so small and I have such big plans for you! Open your eyes!" I feel as if He has just wiped my slate clean and everything that I was living for yesterday doesn't even matter anymore. I'm starting to wonder was I just fooling myself? What have I been spending all my time on?! My life is not my own! It's His! I find myself just asking tonight..... God what do You want from me? Teach me what this is all really about...help me not to shy away from reality just because i'm not comfortable with it. Take me as clay, and start me over. Mold me into what You intended me to be all along.

Being Changed By Him ♥

Today we had Chapel....and it changed my life. A man came and spoke about his mission work in Indonesia with the Dao Tribe. These people had been waiting to be told a "great message" and when they were told the Good News about Jesus Christ they were changed. They were willing to do anything to learn to read so they could read for themselves this great Word and tell others about it. They cling to the Word of God because they know that it is the very words of our Creator. I have been here at Word Of Life for a whole semester now.....I've been taking 5 hours of classes for about 3 months now. Countless hours in the Word and yes I have been changed, but I don't cherish His Words like the people of the Dao Tribe. Why? I realized today how numb we  have become to the Word of God...how numb I've become. I've grown up in church, constantly hearing Bible story after Bible story. I thought I knew everything......then I came here and found out  I knew nothing. After being here for a few months I felt like I had changed a lot, but after today I feel like i'm not being changed enough. I started thinking what is the difference between me and these people? Why don't I cling to the Word like they do? I realized that I have so many "things" in my life that there is hardly ever any room for God. These people have nothing, they only have God and His Word. Sure I read the Word....but do I cherish it?! Do I cling to it? If I know that His Word is all sufficient than why do I search for fulfillment in other things? How do I even go one day without reading it, meditating on it, praying through it? Psalm 19:7-11 says this about God's Word  
^{" 7} The instructions of the Lord are perfect,
      reviving the soul.
   The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
      making wise the simple.
 ⁸ The commandments of the Lord are right,
      bringing joy to the heart.
   The commands of the Lord are clear,
      giving insight for living.
 ⁹ Reverence for the Lord is pure,
      lasting forever.
   The laws of the Lord are true;
      each one is fair.
 ¹⁰ They are more desirable than gold,
      even the finest gold.
   They are sweeter than honey,
      even honey dripping from the comb.
 ¹¹ They are a warning to your servant,
      a great reward for those who obey them."

God's Word is more desirable than gold! In today's Quiet Time we read in 1 Peter 1:23 that we have "...been born again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides forever." The Word is alive and active! Why do we not cling to it and take it seriously?! I want to read His words and be radically changed by them. I don't ever want to get to the point that I read His word as just a book. These are the words of our very Creator! They are from the One who holds our very breath in His hands! 2 Timothy 3:16-18 says "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work." I feel ashamed today as I sit here at my desk with 4 Bibles in front of me. So many of us have grown up in church with Bibles readily available to us and yet we act as if we only need God on Sundays. Our Bibles collect dust and so do our consciences. I am convicted today about my attitude towards God's word. How much do I value it? How much do you?

GOD IS SO GOOD!

Man! I don't even know where to start! God is so good! SO many souls have been saved at the Christmas productions these past cpl weeks! I don't have a lot of time to tell everything i want to... but can i just say that we serve an AWESOME God who is worthy of all praise and honor and glory? Sorry I havent written in a while.....once the productions started we have all been working so much and when i'm not working i'm sleeping. LOL But I am just overwhelmed at God's goodness right now....He is just breathtaking in everyway. I just love Him so much and I want everyone to know Him like I know Him. He is the very reason I'm living and breathing. He brings joy to my life and gives me strength to overcome anything that is going on. He blesses me beyond belief and He cares about every little detail of my life! He is crazy about me and can't stop thinking about me! HE DIED FOR ME! I'm just speechless.....His grace and love overwhelm me and leave me humbly at His feet. I  pray it does the same for you today. ♥ John 3:16

Journal Entry

This is a journal entry from February this year. I had just decided that I was going to come to Word Of Life and God was doing amazing things in my heart. It is so humbling to me to read this and see how scared I was to embrace all the new things that were being thrown at me and now to see how God has been along aside me the whole time! God is so good! Anyway, this is pretty hilarious to read but God revealed a lot to me that night. I hope some of it encourages you in your walk with the Lord.

"I watched a DVD called "Indescribable" and I don't think I’ve ever been so humbled in all my life! God is so big....He is so magnificent that my mind can't even fathom! I'm nowhere close to where I should be in my walk with Him, but I'm not where I used to be and I praise Him for that. I can't put into words how excited I am about school! I have no idea how everything is going to play out. I don't know how I’m going to pay for it, or what I’m going to do about school after WOL. I'm completely terrified about school, but I’m excited to go on this adventure with Him at the same time. I know it's going to be rough, because I know He is going to stretch me......and stretching hurts, it's uncomfortable. But I've never wanted something so bad in my life. All I want is to be transformed into the woman of God that He created me to be. I want to learn how to love people like I should and I want to learn to be selfless and servant hearted like Him. But most of all I want to learn how to tell people about Him. I want to care for people so deeply that I won't let the fear of rejection keep me from telling them about the only thing that matters in this life. I dream about being someone strong like Esther or Elisabeth Elliot and I get encouraged. But then I am so quick to buy into the lies of the devil that I could never be good enough to do something great for God. Part of that statement is true...I never can be good enough. I'll never be perfect, but praise God that He uses broken vessels like you and me to tell people about Him. What a privilege that He uses people like me to teach His little children and sing praises unto His name??! 

   I’ve been reading a book called “Crazy Love”  and this last chapter I read was about giving your leftovers to God. I can’t tell you how painful it is for me to admit that I do this on a regular basis. Every morning that I refuse to get up early to have my devotions before my day starts, and instead I mumble a 3 minute prayer before I go to bed and say   “ Tomorrow I really will get up! I promise, I promise I’ll spend time with you.” I guess I’m writing this because I just want you guys to try and understand something with me if you haven’t already. We are so small, we are so insignificant on this earth. This life is not about us! It’s not about me! It’s about Him! It’s all about Him, every breath I take is about Him. And I have to get it into my mind that I’m not the star here. But the cool thing that humbles me so much, is that even though we are so small and insignificant….He wants, He longs, He waits for us to accept His love and enter into a relationship with Him. The God of the universe!!! The God who sent His only Son to be nailed to a cross for my sin! He longs for me to talk to Him, to love Him and to love His people enough to tell them about Him. He is jealous for me. He can’t take His eyes off of me. He loves me so much I can’t even fathom it. Unconditional love, love that I’ve never experienced and never will experience in my lifetime. None can compare to His great love and mercy. "