Hello, my name is Autumn.
I'm 23 yrs old.
I'm a daughter,sister,wife and mother.
I'm a friend.
I'm a church goer.
I'm a lover of music.
I'm also impatient and rude.
I'm really hard on myself.
I'm extremely selfish.
I'm judgmental.
I crave man's approval and praise.
I'm not a super model or even remotely close,
but I wish I were.
I'm dissatisfied with how I look, how I feel, my accomplishments (or the lack thereof ),
I'm always comparing myself to the next girl, mother and wife.
I'm a pessimist.
I'm a doubter.
I'm a screw up.
BUT,
I have been redeemed.
I have been delivered.
I have been saved.
I have been restored.
I have been forgiven.
I have been loved.
I have been set apart.
I am chosen.
I am spoken for.
I'm a Christ follower.
I'm a child of the Light.
I'm a daughter of the Most High King, Jesus.....
and I'm in love with Him.
I started this blog by being honest about how I think about myself most of the time. I spend most of my day drawing my self-worth from my accomplishments and success, or from my failures. I let the world define who I am. I let magazines and music and TV shows tell me if I'm complete or not. If I'm happy or not. I compare myself to friends and family who appear to have it all together and just have the greatest life, and then I tell myself, I just need more of what they have and I'll be more satisfied. I tell myself if I could just lose these ten pounds and if my husband and I could just learn to communicate better than I'd be happier.
Those are lies.
My whole life I never really could find my niche. I was home-schooled. I was a Christian ( but I didn't even really understand what that meant. ) I was a short, overweight white girl. I couldn't and still can't play any instruments or do anything spectacular. I wasn't really smart or driven. I hated sports. All I really wanted was to be like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and marry Justin Timberlake. I was absolutely convinced that all my unhappiness was due to the fact that I wasn't good at anything, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't a good enough Christian and didn't have a boyfriend.
I still believe this sometimes.
I read every single book on being single and Christian dating. I tried multiple diets and even tried to starve myself ( which lasted all of like an hr. ) I jumped into the first guys arms that told me I was pretty and wanted to hold my hand. Later on down the road I even went to Bible College with the intent of becoming a better Christian and hoping to find a way to make God not mad at me. I also was hoping to find my purpose, you know, like be a missionary or find my husband and start a family. At least If I could just be a good Christian then I'd be good at one thing!
It wasn't until this last year that God started to reveal the lies that had taken root in my heart.
The first lie was that I could ever be good enough.
Jesus showed me the truth that I could never obey enough or do enough to make up for my sin. ( "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 ) I was wretched and lost and only by Jesus Christ's blood am I "good".( " I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Phil. 3:9 ) There is only one who is good. JESUS! Praise God for His sacrifice so that I can stop trying to do something I just can't! That's the beauty of the gospel! He came and did what we could not do!
* A little side note, you'll never be good enough for the world's standards either. There is always a new "pretty", "smart", "accomplished", and "successful" standard. Even when you think you've arrived, someone else has more than you, is better looking than you and did it better than you. So stop playing by their rules and trying to live up to their standards, it's like trying to get water from an empty well. *
The second lie was that any earthly thing could ever truly satisfy me.
My heart was made for God. My soul was made to be filled with Christ. I hunger and thirst for God. But I try to quench my thirst with water that leaves my mouth dry. I try to fill my heart with things and people but it keeps coming up empty. I try to find rest and peace in my looks, in my education, occupation, possessions, and most of all, man's opinion of me. But there is only one who's opinion matters. Only one who can satisfy. ( "For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. Psalm 107:9 "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11 "Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35 ) Do you see what these scriptures say?! He has filled our soul! Filled, as in nothing else can fit! "In HIS presence" - NOT in Vanity Fair or Target or a bar or your boyfriend's bed or the gym or even church, is there "fullness of joy". God said, "For my people have done two evil things: They have abandoned me--the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all! " Jeremiah 2:13 Case and point: Stop eating junk food and feast on Jesus! He will satisfy!
There are many other lies that the evil one throws my way throughout the day, constantly accusing me of all that I've done wrong and reminding me of who I was before I met Jesus. But, something the Lord is teaching me is that instead of shrinking in fear and shame whenever satan brings these things to mind, I should rejoice out loud at the saving work of Jesus Christ on the cross. I should repeat the Gospel over and over out loud to myself. For this is TRUTH, and the TRUTH will set you free! ( "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 "Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us." Romans 8:34 ) The One who did it all, the One who's reputation is spotless, sinless, blameless, and perfect, He is interceding for me! The One who's only opinion matters, He says I am precious and honored and loved in His sight! (Isaiah 43:4)
So, if you are anything like me, trying to find your identity in the world, but coming up hopeless because it seems you can never cut it, RUN TO CHRIST. His opinion is the only one that matters and He is the only one who will tell you the truth, the truth that will set you free and open your eyes to who you really are.
God Bless!
