Who am I?

Hello, my name is Autumn.

I'm 23 yrs old.

I'm a daughter,sister,wife and mother.

I'm a friend.

I'm a church goer.

I'm a lover of music.

I'm also impatient and rude.

I'm really hard on myself.

I'm extremely selfish.

I'm judgmental.

I crave man's approval and praise.

I'm not a super model or even remotely close,

but I wish I were.

I'm dissatisfied with how I look, how I feel, my accomplishments (or the lack thereof ),

I'm always comparing myself to the next girl, mother and wife.

I'm a pessimist.

I'm a doubter.

I'm a screw up.

BUT,

I have been redeemed.

I have been delivered.

I have been saved.

I have been restored.

I have been forgiven.

I have been loved.

I have been set apart.

I am chosen.

I am spoken for.

I'm a Christ follower.

I'm a child of the Light.

I'm a daughter of the Most High King, Jesus.....

and I'm in love with Him.

I started this blog by being honest about how I think about myself most of the time. I spend most of my day drawing my self-worth from my accomplishments and success, or from my failures. I let the world define who I am. I let magazines and music and TV shows tell me if I'm complete or not. If I'm happy or not. I compare myself to friends and family who appear to have it all together and just have the greatest life, and then I tell myself, I just need more of what they have and I'll be more satisfied. I tell myself if I could just lose these ten pounds and if my husband and I could just learn to communicate better than I'd be happier.

Those are lies.

My whole life I never really could find my niche. I was home-schooled. I was a Christian ( but I didn't even really understand what that meant. ) I was a short, overweight white girl. I couldn't and still can't play any instruments or do anything spectacular. I wasn't really smart or driven. I hated sports. All I really wanted was to be like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen and marry Justin Timberlake. I was absolutely convinced that all my unhappiness was due to the fact that I wasn't good at anything, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't a good enough Christian and didn't have a boyfriend.

I still believe this sometimes.

I read every single book on being single and Christian dating. I tried multiple diets and even tried to starve myself ( which lasted all of like an hr. ) I jumped into the first guys arms that told me I was pretty and wanted to hold my hand. Later on down the road I even went to Bible College with the intent of becoming a better Christian and hoping to find a way to make God not mad at me. I also was hoping to find my purpose, you know, like be a missionary or find my husband and start a family. At least If I could just be a good Christian then I'd be good at one thing!

It wasn't until this last year that God started to reveal the lies that had taken root in my heart.

The first lie was that I could ever be good enough.

Jesus showed me the truth that I could never obey enough or do enough to make up for my sin. ( "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 )  I was wretched and lost and only by Jesus Christ's blood am I "good".( " I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith." Phil. 3:9 ) There is only one who is good. JESUS! Praise God for His sacrifice so that I can stop trying to do something I just can't! That's the beauty of the gospel! He came and did what we could not do!

* A little side note, you'll never be good enough for the world's standards either. There is always a new "pretty", "smart", "accomplished", and "successful" standard. Even when you think you've arrived, someone else has more than you, is better looking than you and did it better than you. So stop playing by their rules and trying to live up to their standards, it's like trying to get water from an empty well. *

The second lie was that any earthly thing could ever truly satisfy me. 

My heart was made for God. My soul was made to be filled with Christ. I hunger and thirst for God. But I try to quench my thirst with water that leaves my mouth dry. I try to fill  my heart with things and people but it keeps coming up empty. I try to find rest and peace in my looks, in my education, occupation, possessions,  and most of all, man's opinion of me. But there is only one who's opinion matters.  Only one who can satisfy. ( "For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good. Psalm 107:9  "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11 "Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst." John 6:35 ) Do you see what these scriptures say?! He has filled our soul! Filled, as in nothing else can fit! "In HIS presence" -  NOT in Vanity Fair or Target or a bar or your boyfriend's bed or the gym or even church,  is there "fullness of joy". God said, "For my people have done two evil things: They have abandoned me--the fountain of living water. And they have dug for themselves cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all! " Jeremiah 2:13 Case and point:  Stop eating junk food and feast on Jesus! He will satisfy! 

There are many other lies that the evil one throws my way throughout the day, constantly accusing me of all that I've done wrong and reminding me of who I was before I met Jesus. But, something the Lord is teaching me is that instead of shrinking in fear and shame whenever satan brings these things to mind, I should rejoice out loud at the saving work of Jesus Christ on the cross. I should repeat the Gospel over  and over out loud to myself. For this is TRUTH, and the TRUTH will set you free! ( "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1  "Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us." Romans 8:34 ) The One who did it all, the One who's reputation is spotless, sinless, blameless, and perfect, He is interceding for me! The One who's only opinion matters, He says I am precious and honored and loved in His sight! (Isaiah 43:4) 

So, if you are anything like me, trying to find your identity in the world, but coming up hopeless because it seems you can never cut it, RUN TO CHRIST. His opinion is the only one that matters and He is the only one who will tell you the truth, the truth that will set you free and open your eyes to who you really are.

 God Bless! 

This is REAL love....

“There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus. That vacuum includes, for example, a deep inner need to adore: to love and be devoted to someone we can admire totally, always and forever, without the slightest reservation - someone who will never change, who will never disappoint us or fail us.”

― Blaise Pascal, Pensées

I'm pretty sure I can speak for everyone when I say that we all have a desire to love and be loved. And not just any kind of love....unconditional love. A love with conditions isn't really love...is it? I want someone who is going to love me no matter what. Someone who can look at me with all my faults and imperfections and still show me mercy and compassion. Someone who even when I am screaming "Get out of my life! There is someone else!" still comes running after me, pleading with me to stay. Someone who is willing to go to any means necessary to show me how much they love me. As much as my husband loves me, he can't love me like that. My mother is probably the only person who could get even close to that kind of love; for a mother's love is strong, but it would still come up short. Why? Why can't people give this kind of love? Because every single human being on this earth is imperfect. How can imperfect people give perfect love? They can't. "As for God, his way is perfect " (Psalm 18:30)  God can love me perfectly because He is perfect. He can love me the way my soul needs to be loved. His love can satisfy me completely, leaving me wanting nothing. Blaise Pascal hits the nail on the head again when he states, "Only the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob, the God of Christians, is a God of love, and of comfort, a God Who fills the soul and the heart of those whom He possesses, a God Who makes them conscious of their inward wretchedness, and His infinite mercy, Who unites Himself to their inmost soul, Who fills it with humility and joy, with confidence and love, Who renders them incapable of any other end than Himself. Jesus Christ is the end of all, and the center to which all tends."

We all think we know what love is....but do we really? We most certainly have our own definitions of what  we think love is. But in 1 John 4:8-9 it states "God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. "
The definition of "real" is : actually existing or happening : not imaginary: not fake, false, or artificial: important and deserving to be regarded or treated in a serious way :  of or relating to fixed, permanent, or immovable things. So, God's love is happening right here, right now. God's love is not made up, it's not pretend, it's not fake. God's love is important and should be taken seriously. God's love is fixed on you, it was made permanent on the cross and it's incapable of being moved or changed by anything; your failures, your mistakes, the things you did wrong on purpose, your addictions, your good deeds, your church attendance, your doubts, your past, your present, your future. Paul confirms this in Romans 8:38-39 "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Also, if you're like me, stop thinking that Christ is only going to love the future, better you. He loves you right now! His word says "But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." ( Romans 5:8 ) Real love is personified in Jesus Christ. "God is love." (1 John 4:16 ) " For God SO LOVED the world, that He GAVE his only son." ( John 3:16 ) "...So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." ( Galatians 2:20 ) Jesus' love is reckless; it's different than anything else you've ever experienced and it's the only love that can truly satisfy you like you are longing for. If you're honest with yourself, you know that even the people you care about the most still disappoint you, hurt you, and come up short on offering you the kind of love and affection you desire and are expecting. And that's ok! They were never meant to be able to! Our relationships here on earth with our friends, family, and spouses are just a tiny glimpse of the measure of love that Christ has for us! His love knows no end. His love is not based on emotion, or whether or not you love Him back. His love  is unconditional and unselfish. He lavishes it on us even when we don't give him anything in return. Like, how crazy is that?! How many of you would just keep on loving and serving and caring and helping someone who doesn't even notice you most of the time or just flat out doesn't want anything to do with you?! The Bible talks about how anyone can love someone who loves them back, or be nice to someone who is nice to you  ( Matthew 5 ); but can you love someone who hates you or be nice to someone who is a jerk to you? God does. He loves you and He loves me.

I am on a journey to find out more about this true, real love. I'm on a journey to get to know Jesus better and to cultivate deep roots in His love for me. You see, the more I let His all consuming, unfailing love satisfy the deepest parts of my heart, the more it overflows out of me and onto everyone else around me. He teaches me and enables me to love people like He does. " No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." ( 1 John 4:12 ) When God's people, love people God's way, God can be seen in us!! I hope this encourages you to go study God's love more. It is so much bigger and way more complex than the "Jesus Loves You" bumper sticker you see everywhere. I know you've probably heard John 3:16 a million times, but please go read it again and really soak it in!

Paul prayed this prayer for the Ephesians and I am praying it for you tonight :
" When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (Ephesians 3:14-19 )

Watch this video below and then watch it again and again if you need to. If you can even get a taste of this REAL love, you'll be changed forever. ♥